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Saturday, February 16th, 2008
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| Subject: | hi! |
| Time: | 2:02 am. |
| Music: | The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus//Cat and Mouse. |
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I thik the last time I wrote in here was before fiorida....long tme ago. I dunno. anyway. made it down to florida. it was a little rocky start but it's starting to get a lot better. I'm hanging out with people from work who are amazing and I love them. I'm having mad roommate problems. like...only get along with a few of them. I'm calling housing tomorrow and getting the fuck out. if I don't I think they're all gonna end up dead, I don't know. I came down here to have fun and for the experience. I feel like I'm being jipped because I hate my living arrangement. if I don't get moved there's gonna be an issue. I just hate it. errrrr! but I love my friends here soooo much. they rescue me all the time. plus I really like being down here with my sister.
I don't know..there's really not all that much to update on, or at least that I feel like. things are good and bad. I love the weather. it feels weird being down here. I miss people from home. I love my new friends down here. seriously it's love. hahaha.
my favorite song at the moment is Cat and Mouse - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.
that is all.
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Thursday, January 3rd, 2008
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I leave in 18days. it's so surreal. no backing out. I was going through my phonebook just to see who I thought I'd actually keep in touch with, who I wouldn't and such. I began putting them into 3 different categories:
1. people I would keep in touch with while I'm gone, and then again when I get back. there were veryyyy few that fell into this category. only a handful.
2. people I probably won't talk to while I'm down there, or very seldom talk to, but when I came back everyhing would be like I never left.
3. people I would just lose contact with completely, while I am there, and when I come back.
you might think that last one scares me. but I'm actually relieved and almost looking forward to that. there are a lot of people in my life I feel as if they're almost dead weight. like we only talk now because we've been friends for so long, or we feel we have to. the reason I'm leaving is to get away. and yea, I've become really close with people recently. but if there is one thing I've learned, it's people leave. some you keep in touch with, and others you lose completely. I feel as if that should scare me. make me not want to leave. instead it excites me, makes me want to leave more. I feel as if once that happens, then I can truly change who I am. while pats of me have been changing into a person I see myself being. I feel like a lot of people hold me back. and this is a chance to really and truly cut them loose.
I feel like that all sounds terrible, and cynical. but to me it makes perfect sense. people come and go from your life. they come and go for a reason. to make you a better person, tempt you in being something you don't want to be, things like that. it's not that I think the people I won't keep in touch with are terrible people and I hate them. I wish them the best and a great life. I just don't feel they fit into my life. I want to move on, I don't want to be stuck living in the past, keeping friendships because they remind me of good times. I want to keep friendships because I can see us having good times in the future. and more importantly, the present. I feel like half of me is stuck in the past, the other half looking to the future. and none of me living in the now. I want to change that now with those few people I want to keep in my life.
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Friday, December 7th, 2007
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why is it I always like people I sholdn't? like people I've liked before, only to stop liking them once they start liking me, and then later they get a girlfriend and I like them again? or me and someone else like eachoter and nothing ever happens and then I like them again. I'm pretty sure I don't even really like them. I don't know. I'm retarded when it comes to guys. it's weird, I've have had a "someone" for a while, nothing serious or ever lasting more then maybe a month. but right now I would just rather like be one of the guys then have a boyfriend or anything. plus I'm leaving soon so what's the point?
I'm so bummed about all this trade business with the Tigers. why must all MY players get traded? grrr and Inge is gonna be next? f thatttttttt. I'll cry =(
anyway, that's it. I'm tired. work is dumb. school is even dumber. =)
day off tomorrow. at least I hope so.
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Thursday, November 22nd, 2007
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damnit I can't sleep. and I have to be up in 3 1/2 hours to get ready for work. this blows. and I feel like crap.
working 3 jobs is hard. american eagle keeps scheduling me when I tell them I can't work. so I'm quitting. I'll get another job that can respect me and the hours I say I can work. I have a very low tolerance for being taken advantage of and being treated like crap. especially after a year and a half of working for the biggest asshole I have ever met in my life. but I first stood up for myself at Hollister. I wasn't about to be yelled at for working over 60 hours a week and wanting to go home one night on time. I wasn't about to be yelled at for not coming into work when I'm not scheduled. and I sure as hell wasn't about to be yelled at for not showing up for a shift I wasn't originally scheduled for, for a shift they later added and didn't tell me. and I definitely wasn't going to get caught up in a stupid catfight because two bitches were jealous of the friendships I had. no way. but I also wasn't ready to part ways with the company. I learned a lot from it, made a few really good friends.
I'm getting really frustrated with my parents. they're trying to tell me I can't go to florida for the disney internship. and it's for completely unfair reasoning too. they're telling me I can't go because if I go I'm going to drop out of school and stay down there like my sister. but here's what they don't know: I'm much more dedicated and focused as to what I want to do with my life. I'm not going down there to take a break from school and figure out what I want to do with my life. I'm going down there because working for Disney is going to be a great experience for me personally and educationally ((I might've made that word up)). I'm going because it's going to look great on my transcripts and resume. and most of all I'm going because I want to. going down there isn't going to steer me away from school, I'm still taking a full load, 16 credits. I'm ready for it. they're trying to tell me I need to finish school first, they don't realize doing this will help me get into a good transfer school and further benefit my career. it just seems they don't really care about anything I want to do and won't even take it into consideration. and it's really frustrating. their arguments are completely unsound and they don't even listen to what I have to say. all it does is make me want to go even more even without their blessing. I have the rest of my (undergrad) academic career planned out. they just don't like that I plan on staying at schoolcraft through next fall. I'm doing this at my own pace, I'm not in a position to start applying to a transfer school, I'm not where I want to be yet. and I'm not sure where I even want to go. it's just a very frustrating thing for me right now and I don't know whats really going to change their mind at this point. my plan is to try my dad and really talk to him and get him to hear my side and not my moms. my mom is all for my sister being down there but apparently it's not ok for me. I'm just sick of it really.
things with a certain person are kinda strange. I don't know what is really going on, we both said flat out we don't want to start up again and we don't like eachother, but the way we talk seems different. I don't wanna get caught up in that again that's all I know. but he's such a great person and friend it's good having him back.
my uncle and I had such a gnarly talk today about like sports and music and everything. I'm excited for them to go down to florida and we can hit up some spring training games and everything. I like that he and my aunt are on my side for florida. it's so much easier to talk to them about it than my parents, probably because they listen to my side and they probably do know me even better than my parents do
I'm just really frustrated right now.......
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Thursday, November 1st, 2007
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| Time: | 9:46 am. |
| Music: | The Verve-Bittersweet Symphony. |
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abercrombie and fitch company is dumb. I think I'm taking the manager position at somerset whoooo
at least for a few months
hopefully I get the internship
it'd be badass
and I'm really excited
today you may call me the borrowing bitch as I will be working at at least 2 of the 4 a&f brands. yesssssss
last night was kinda bad news bears. kindaaaaaa hahaha. oh well couldn't tell you whats going on.
but I really do need to leave. florida. now. speaking of...kinda sorta...my sister comes home thanksgivinggg
I like talking to her about what I should do because she makes more sense as to what I want to do as opposed to everyone else that has an opinion on what they want me to do, not what would be best for me. kinda lame.
I really don't have anything to say. I'm just bored.
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Friday, October 12th, 2007
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I met with the gm at a&f and I just have to finish out my shifts for tomorrow until monday at hco then tuesday I start at a&f!!!!!!!
I'm sooo excited. seriously. and I love how they come up to me all upset I'm leaving. fuck youuuuu. I am gonna miss it a lot though. a lot of the people there, but everyone at a&f seems awesome too. and I can't wait now, I can get a lot of hours so I'm pretty excited to start there. but I'm also gonna find like a restaurant job someplace so I'm all set to move to FLORIDA for the DISNEY INTERNSHIP in January. at least I hope sooooo. I have that interview wednesday. seriously next week is gonna be so amazing. ahhh LOVE IT!
and I think I'm gonna go get a tattoo tomorrow.
for a little bit I kinda wanted to stay at hco but ummmm.....NO. I'm really happy to move. yayyayyayyayyayyayyay =)
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Monday, September 17th, 2007
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it's kind of weird sometimes you know. like, you're living your life so much in the future and so much on what's going to happen next you forget that you're still living NOW. you finally realize it and want to go back. and then you spend time living in the past. it's weird for me, cuz it's always one or the other. or, like the past few days, I've been feeling like shit and not really doing anything. finally today I realize: hey, I've been sitting on my ass for nearly 72 hours not doing a damn thing. then thinking to myself all these things I WANT to do, well there's so much that I need to be doing NOW to get there. I can't just sit here and say, "oh I'll do that tomorrow" because in the end you're always thinking, damn I should've done that months ago. that's how my life seems to be going lately and I have two choices, to either get up right now and change it, or hope I'll do it tomorrow......
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Monday, September 3rd, 2007
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sometimes I just get so fed up with hollister. I'm sick of the way I'm treated, the way the managers act and everything. I'm sick of always staying late and then because I stay late it's then expected of me to stay late every single time. but it's like...do I say something?? I'm screwed either way. they either don't do anything, or I end up getting 10 times more frustrated because I just let it all build up. I really do enjoy working there. but I don't think they truly know how much I've put into it. I've given up basically my entire end of the summer to work. I gave up being in real classes to work. I really did give up a lot to work and no one seems to take notice. I hope Dave comes in tomorrow so I can talk to him. then with him I can decide whether I'm really done with the place or not. see what else I can do. I don't think I can really be done completely after everything the last month...and then be jobless. I just can't. I can't deal with the fact that everything I put in was for nothing and I gave up. I don't fucking quit until my job is done. but at the same time I'm not going to stand for the way I've been getting treated. I've honestly left or been at that place in tears because of how frustrated I am like twice a week. I won't deal with that anymore.
speaking of I need to buckle my ass down and do my online classwork. and go to my other class. I really freaking hate not knowing what I'm doing with myself. I hate it. what I'm going to do after this year. I'm moving out and on with my life that's all I know. I'm just not sure where that might lead me.
I've been actually having a lot of fun this weekend with Bridget and Stacy and Mike and other people. coolest people everrr.
I'm absolutely in love with the new cartel cd. and I'm sooooo pumped for when they come to Detroit and then go to Toronto next month to party with them! I love it.
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Wednesday, August 22nd, 2007
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somehow summer's almost over. it's like every year fall just creeps up on everyone. but every summer I'm ready. I need a summer between every semester to really refocus myself, and that's terrible. I refuse to go back to my academic life I had winter semester. summer was definitely much different then I imagined. I thought I would see so many more people that were home from college and it was my fault mostly that I didn't. but I'm surprisingly ok with it. I'm done harping over things that people have done to me in the past. I haven't changed and I'm still a kind of person who doesn't forget and rarely retrusts a person. part of me just wants to lose everyone that has once betrayed my trust forever. not that they haven't changed or can't, just because I don't know if I can ever fully get past the betrayal. and everytime I see them that's what I'm reminded of. maybe if I lose them I can lose that mentality and start fresh. "Self examination often leads to disappointment." maybe the reason I want to forget all those people is because I'm disappointed in myself for not being able to forget. some people don't even know how deep they've hurt me, or if they've hurt me at all.
I've been having a lot of problems at hollister. sooo many people say "quit it's just hollister" but they don't understand I'm not like that. I don't quit things. I'm really trying to work it out. I talked with Kevin for a good 20 minutes today and basically balled my eyes out. partly because of how upset I was with them and partly because of what he was saying to me. he told me he really didn't want to see me quit. not just because I was such an asset to the company but because I didn't seem like a person who gives up. but he didn't want to be part of what's been making me feel miserable either. he told me that when he tells people what kind of person they're looking for in a recruit he says he's looking for someone like me. he told me he'd do whatever he could to make things better and help me. I don't think it's work that's got me so upset but it was like the straw that broke the camels back kind of thing.
I hate the feeling of not knowing what I want.
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Saturday, August 4th, 2007
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California was a blast...really not going into everything, sorry. haha
things with John are kinda at a standstill, don't think anything will happen there. and as far as I'm concerned I could never talk to Sam again and be quite alright. I don't exactly appreciate people yelling and screaming at me when I'm trying to apologize and explain myself. he just doesn't understand that there are some things he may not get, I may not want to talk to him, and it doesn't really have anything to do with him I do it with everybody. but I'm gonna go with we're pretty much done.
I'm working TONSSSS now. I love it. and Kevin for making my schedule basically perfect. I'm happy there, they don't screw my over constantly and it usually fun working there. call me stupid.=)
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Wednesday, July 11th, 2007
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it really kinda scares me I basically have one person in mind when I posted these songs.... oh well it is how it is right now =) |
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| Subject: | smile. |
| Time: | 1:02 am. |
| Music: | Maroon 5//Won't Go Home Without You. |
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tonight was different...I just loved it. like if I smiled for like 2 more seconds it was going to be stuck there forever. I haven't smiled, and actually meant it that much in soo long. like for the longest time I felt like happiness was hopeless. I know it won't always be like that, I'm not ready for it to be. but just for tonight, it was absolutely perfect. it was one of those nights where you just remember and can't help but smile. and even if it was just that very short time I know what it's like to really be happy again. and really feel.
I'm leaving for california in 15 days. that's insane. it's not even so much looking at USC that excites me, I'm starting to think that's not really where I wanna be, but you never know, especially with me. but I'm just excited to see Dave and Rob and hang out with Jill down in LA...my first choice has kinda switched to UNC. and I can't wait to go down there and visit either. I'm just ready for amazing to start happening. I've nearly blocked NY and Benedictine out of my head but I really should look at those schools as well...
I only have hollister now...and I feel like a total bum. like....I haven't even DONE anything it seems. I need another job. and I'm kinda excited for school to start. like I've got this new found motivation that I'm going to do WELL this semester. I refuse to blow it off like winter...and really spring. I'm year round schooling to catch myself up from winter. I need to talk to Kevin about hollister...if I'm not gonna get hours it's pointless. and I'm really pissed about the hours I've been getting....it's all closing shifts. that sucks. I still have to put my time off for concerts...and california haha good job.
I'm tired...all this nothing is making me exhausted hahaha night night =)
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Saturday, June 16th, 2007
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I have now come to the conclusion I spend entirely too much money. pretty much I have like no money to my name. I spend it all on food and clothes and dumb things. so I now stop.
hollister is getting on my nerves. Brandon is quite possibly the biggest prick I have ever met in my entire life. I swear he's like trying to get me to quit. I'm just pissed about how I really put that job first, above my other one where I make more money and above a life. one week I have a million hours the next week I have 5. but then they'll call me in at 10 to do a floor set. and then I come in when I'm scheduled to work only to find out they've taken me off the schedule and didn't bother to tell me. it's like I put so much into this stupid job and I get shit back. I feel like I have zero respect from them and it's just getting a little old. I really like working there and I feel like if I say anything then I'm gonna get less hours and they won't call me for extra shifts. but thanks to Brandon and Joel I basically walked out of there crying on wednesday which is really something I'm not going to stand for. so either Joel and I or Kevin and I are gonna have a talk. Kevin really has nothing to do with it but I feel a lot more comfortable talking with him...besides Joel kinda scares me.
I wish he would just understand. I think he's getting so frustrated with me lately because he doesn't understand any part of my life anymore. I used to be able to go to him and even if he didn't agree with what I was doing..he still understood and most of the time supported me. until a few months ago. this year has been so horrible to our friendship I really feel like we don't even have one anymore. he was right about hollister, and I'm doing something about it. but what's kinda scary is thinking since he was right about that maybe he's right about everything else. how I choose to spend my nights, guys, friends, myself, leaving...what if I have everything wrong?
I feel like there's a huge SOMETHING missing from my life. I think part of it is him...but I think the biggest part is that I can't find that something here. I'm really meant to be somewhere else. he told me I'm just running from a lot of problems..but that's not it. it's like I am who I am here. but leaving and going somewhere else gives me the opportunity to be something different. yea, leaving is going to be the scariest thing I have yet to do, but I also think it will test me. see how strong I really am. maybe I won't make it, maybe I'll end up coming home and going back to being who I am. but maybe...
the sad thing is this is probably the most I've opened up to anything, even myself, in a long time.
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Wednesday, June 6th, 2007
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gah I love John. too bad he has a girlfriend haha. probably the sweetest guy ever. we talked on the phone for like 2 hours last night it was insane. I kinda miss Sam almost..I haven't talked to him in over a week. it's a little weird. but we're both so busy its understandable..just sucks
I got the most badass toy at mcdonalds yesterday...its the gingerbread man from shrek and he says NOT MY GUMDROP BUTTON. amazing. I'm keeping it FOREVERRRRRRRRRR hahahah
this is really dumb. but I'm bored and hungry and don't know what I want to eat. I'll probably just grab something before work. again. working freaking sucks dude. I work so much. I need to shower too. damnit
seriously I'm wearing guys' sport shorts from hollister.....most comfortable thing I now own =) I never want to take them off it's amazing.
I really should shower. and do laundry. think I'll do either? yea I really need to shower...but I gaurentee the laundry isn't getting done. which is really sad because me doing laundry means throwing it downstairs. good job Alison ahaha. wow I just need to stop typing now..........
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Wednesday, May 30th, 2007
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| Time: | 12:16 am. |
| Music: | Travis//Closer. |
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it's funny...I feel I should be a lot more upset...angry, or hurt or something. but it's really no shock anymore. you two are probably the fakest people I have ever met in my life. the only thing I keep thinking about it is how sad it is that I'm not at all surprised. you can think what you want, you can talk what you want, but trust me none of it means anything to me. I have nothing to prove to you. luckily I have GOOD friends, you must be completely stupid if you thought I wouldn't find out.
I talked to John for a while last night. this weekend was just.....not good. I have that feeling if I say anything then I'll lose it all. and I'd rather have what I have now then nothing. maybe I want something more...but everytime I think that I shut down.
sometimes I almost wish someone would get through
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yea its past 4am and I am no where near tired. thats gonna come back and bite me in the ass come tomorrow....yayy me. saw pirates tonight. kinda sucked, last like half hour was good thats about it.
this weekend should be fun...tigers game friday with John then saturday with Sam and much partying at Justins. concert sunday if we have tickets? yea I dunno...probably bbq monday, should be good time
I'm pretty much sweet at life.....hahahaha Bill((regional manager)) came in again today it was good for me.
I have to get my tonsils out....not too excited about that one. maybe a few days later I can go to a motley crue concert and drink?? haha oh Jill.....
moms turned into a major bitch lately. fuck it
Sams been awesome lately. I love it. he's become like a really really good friend in the absense of others. he's being lame now and sleeping. so he has to get up at 8....and work outside all day.....psh so do I thank you. minus the working outside all day. working inside for 5 hours, close enough.
pretty much really pumped for Californiaaaaa. I gotta plan my North Carolina trip as well..and New York and Chicago. NC is the big one, NY and Chicago are weekend trips. it just sucks cuz I'm gonna have to take so much time off work....already 2 weeks for California. but I'm so excited. I'm really leaning toward USC the more I look at them. it's just so far away from here....but still close to things of comfort. like David, Dave, Rob, aunt and uncle, possibly Jill, and Mike is going to UC Davis or Fresno same time I'd be going. and still Jill would be the only one really WITH me...all the rest are more North Cal.
ahhhh oh well...I guess I'll try and sleep now. yea this was incredibly unnecessary and pointless....DEAL.
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| Subject: | hm |
| Time: | 10:49 pm. |
| Music: | Mix CD Mike made me. |
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I decided an update was necessary. although I feel like all I ever do is work. I had a nice 17 hour day last monday..yea never again. I dunno I get pushed around a lot when it comes to staying late or picking up shifts. I'm always the first called because they know I'll take it. I really don't mind it, it's not hard work or anything and I usually have a good time there...I just don't wanna be pushed around. but our regional manager came in last wednesday and told Joel that I was doing a really good job, so I was happy about that. and Aaron and Kevin are sweet. I just really don't like working nights though because I can't stand most the high schoolers that work there. the people I work with during the day are awesome. seriously....my life is work.
I've been with friends a lot too though. it's weird because I mainly hang out with the same people and have hardly seen people who have come back from school. I think I've seen Jackie the most and I've seen her 2 or 3 times. I dunno, it's hard when you've hung out with the same people all year and then your other friends come home. I've been having fun though so that's all that matters.
my poor car got killed. hopefully we'll be taking that in. with work there is just no way I can not have a car.
the only thing I can really complain about is that people are telling me how to live my life. who are you to tell me that anyway. I've been getting along just fine doing it my way and until that stops I'm going to continue to do things my way. it's like I've finally gotten things to where I want them.
I really need to clean my room so I can actually sleep on a bed. maybe tomorrow before work. I have to take my mom into work so I can have her car for the day. I looooooove driving her car. =)
Mike's in for Pat this week. I'm pretty pumped about that. I like having him around, he's good to talk to and keeps it not so boring. except I think Jerry got mad at how much I was talking to him today.....oops.
tomorrow = go tigers and wings and pistons! whooooo
damn I need to go to bed...
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| Time: | 10:25 pm. |
| Music: | Secondhand Serenade//I Hate this Song. |
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Swim in the Atlantic Ocean at three in the morning under the moon and the stars and a sky whose limitless immensity is rivaled only by the water in which you wade, and call out to your friend who swims in that nothingness with you, and be something there and then, floating and turning and never staying in one place—be something, together.
Run between the purple shadows of unknown and foreign buildings at twilight. Run with the breeze blowing all about and a good friend beside you, and talk about the things which you’ve seen together. Let the words slip out quickly and quietly between the breath like an afterthought, a staccato soundtrack to some other unsaid thing in the air, some thing that means much more than any words could... and be free, together.
Then, miss somebody so desperately that you feel it in the corners of your eyes like tears, but there are none, and in the top of your throat like something to swallow, but there is nothing. Let the pain of that loneliness keep you awake at night, awake on the side of some freeway somewhere, and let the cars drive by and hiss and whistle and think of all the places they are going to, and of the people they’re going home to, and think of how you are going nowhere and fast. Then call him, and hear his voice like something very real and close and be hurt, together.
They are not swimming in the ocean, and they are not running under the setting sun, and yes, they are missing you, and they are missing you together, but not like the whisper of a passing car. They miss you like a television show that got canceled, or like a store that closed. …And you, you miss them like an old man misses the reflection of his younger self in the mirror, which is not productive, so forget about it and live. Together, lets live.
I'm in a really deep mood, not really sure of what I'm feeling.
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so my schedule for next week:
sunday: 2-7 ((when I can't work))
monday: 5:30-10:30 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
tuesday: 5-10 call in ((when I can't work))
wednesday: off
thursday: 5-10 ((when I can't work))
friday: off
saturday: 4-10 ((when I requested off))
are you fucking kidding me. this is the only time I've requested off. I ALWAYS pick up other peoples shifts and come in EVERY time they call me because they need someone to come in. then fucking Joel schedules me 3 days I can't work and a day I requested off and then a day where it's not even day its fucking 5am. who the hell does that may I ask?? I feel bad for Kevin when he comes back tomorrow and has to deal with everyones schedule problems, he might as well just redo the entire thing. it just pisses me off. roar
I really need to get a move on on this shit so I can go out and play tonight. then go take my final in the am and then work until 9:30 then go out and fucking party and shove the fact that I can do it and Jill can't in her face! ;)
GO WINGS!
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instead of studying and working on my econ questions like I should be, Sams coming over for a lazy night. =) things with us are well....exactly what I want. it just sucks that we're both so damn busy. and his last day at scraft is friday so I won't even see him there. it kinda sucks cuz one of us is always working during the day then night we both want to be out with our friends. it's a little frustrating but I think it's how it should be. he's freaking awesome though.
I'm an idiot, I ask them to cut back my hours this week and then I get myself more...seriously I just need to stop answering my phone to hollister and everyone that works there, it does me no good. oh well. I actually like working there though, kinda strange. everyone always bitches about retail but I really don't mind it. I'm thinking scraft may have to go. I'm sure it won't...but I can still think it will. it's only another 2 months.
I think I'm happy with life right now....I'm really not sure, I've had good times and bad and I'm not sure which is winning, maybe they're just balancing out. I really need to get my ambition back. I went into the school year really excited and determined. established a great GPA and then fucked it up. goodddddd job Alison. I'm also sicker then fuck. and I need to go get my tongue ring changed by thursday. although I don't know when because I'm working all the freaking time. it'll have to be tomorrow after hollister I guess. then I plan on coming home, studying and finishing alllll my econ and then going to sleep. friday so far I don't have anything.
this was really stupid, sorry.
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xmiligram_smlex's journal
frustrated.
confused.